My name is Z, or basically any name beginning with Z, but usually just the letter, because I’m indecisive. I’m a trans man in the closet for a myriad of reasons. I’ve always been terrible about naming things, which when you need to pick a new name to define yourself for the rest of your life is not a fun trait to have. Honestly, if it were possible, I’d just stick with Zoe, because I do like my name, and it’s what I’ve been called all my life. But no, that’s a feminine name.
As I am now, everyone will call me a girl without a second thought, and I wouldn’t blame them. Later, when I look more masculine? I’d be waving a flag in the sky telling everyone I was born female, and the judgements would start rolling in. Why didn’t you change it? Are you doing this for attention? You clearly don’t care about actually passing. It’s so fascinating to me how deeply entrenched gender and sex are in language. Maybe I should be glad that English isn’t like the romance languages where practically everything is gendered, but still, I can’t escape gendered names.
Does it matter that much? Well, when I take on a new name, it feels like I’m playing a character. Currently, my main way of passing is by playing a male character in an MMO named Zed. It’s validating. I can look exactly the way I want, no one ever mistakes me for a woman, and I never get asked any questions. Should I change my name to Zed, then? Well, no, because that’s just a character I play. He’s a piece of me for sure, but I’m still Zoe. Should I just pick a traditionally masculine name and get it over with? I’ve considered Zeke, but it’s just not me. My name is Zoe. It’s a feminine name, but that doesn’t really upset me, because I’m a man. Men can have feminine names. What upsets me is the assumptions, the judgements, all the social stigma that will come with it if I choose to keep it.
Thanks to one of my dear friends, I have a temporary solution in the form of just going by Z. This, I feel, is me. It’s short, simple, and not gendered in the slightest. If I could, I’d go by it forever, but again, that has its own problems. I’m a skinny 19 year old with neon blue hair, which means I’m the picture perfect example of the stereotypical “Special Snowflake” kid that so many older people seem to hate. If I started going by a single letter name on top of that, I can only imagine how much rejection and condescension I’d face. It all sounds so stupid when written out plainly, but real life usually is.
In my dream world I’d say “Hey, I’m a man,” and the world around me would just keep spinning on with some minor corrections, but it’s never that simple for transgender people who don’t want to fit into the perfect mold of their preferred gender. Maybe I’m just meant to stay this way forever, playing a nice girl for the real world and pretending to be a real man online, never quite fitting into either role. I certainly hope not.
In hindsight, this introduction was pretty bleak. I’d like to cap it off by saying I’m fairly happy, all things considered. I have a lot of good friends who support me, as well as a comfortable life. I know there are a lot of people who don’t have that, and so I consider myself lucky, but if you’re one of those people, just know that you’re not alone. We can all find a way through it together.